My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Received some very disappointing news today
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
🤣🤣
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran