@lasergirl70: My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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@amandajpanda: I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids. 72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
@freypalm: Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back. Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
@SirEviscerate: *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden's office in an entirely different prison* aw come ON
@KKAlThani: My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.