My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa