My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels