@MrsRupertPupkin: My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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@novicefather: I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn't understand. I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.
@CrackYouWhip: I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
@samalmightysam: Most populated places in the world: 1. China 2. India 3. United States 4. Indonesia 5. Friend Zone 6. Hell
@MichaelLarrick: If white guys are day drinking, it's inevitable that they're going to start wrestling at some point later that night.