My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It’s the weekend y’all
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.