@MrsRupertPupkin: My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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@enigmaticmess: Him: Have you ever been so drunk that you... Me: Yes Him: But I didn't finish... Me: The answer is yes
@sannewman: Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
@kadyngriffiths: Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I've killed. Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.
@TurboJellyBean: Her:"my blinkers don't work I think I'm out of blinker fluid" Me:"your car doesn't have blinker fluid." Her:"I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION"