Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*