My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle