@OlBigBear: *Runs into bank with gun* Alright! Everyone put your hands up! *Tickles everyone*

@AmnesiaRose: "Now, tell me I'm pretty" -me as a hypnotist

@Dana_Bruno: What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@Token_Geezer: Paul McCartney wrote 'Yesterday' But he also wrote 'Obla-de-obla-da' and 'Ebony and Ivory' So, don't worry if some of your tweets are shit

@girl_a_whirl: Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage