@DothTheDoth: No one wants to talk about Dracula's defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

@samalmightysam: That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

@iwearaonesie: wife [text] I'm so proud of you for sticking to your diet me [can't respond because there's powdered donut on my fingers]

@Bownuggets: In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

@mc_funbags: I'm exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I'm slurring my words.