@loribuckmajor: My cat yells at me like she's my mother.
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@DothTheDoth: No one wants to talk about Dracula's defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
@samalmightysam: That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
@iwearaonesie: wife [text] I'm so proud of you for sticking to your diet me [can't respond because there's powdered donut on my fingers]