My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I love wikipedia
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm