My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*