@Tw1tter_K1tten: My cat's name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw "Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda"
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@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
@tinynietzsche: The five second rule doesn't apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
@kevinrowe1: My wife doesn't mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.