Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
it must be school picture day
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it