I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke