The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
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Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Fluff me with a fork baby
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks