If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
same energy
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It鈥檚 not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don鈥檛 study the moves of one gomez addams.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn鈥檛 it have more?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can鈥檛 take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches