@JosesLovesYou: For my new tattoo, I'm totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

@Mikecanrant: Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.

@mjkspeaks: [job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.

@AnOrangeSNES: [1st Date] (Okay, don't let her know you're addicted to eating fruit) Me: This is good [2nd Date] [3rd Date] [4th Date] [5th Date] Her: Stop

@dawny716: Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I've had too much of you and I'm going to throw up.