@theshamingofjay: My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie
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@AimeeHelene1: Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning! *scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers* Judy: Hi!!! How are y..... Me: *walks away*
@xLiserx: People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
@Zombieionism: Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren't making phone calls on, every year.
@sad_tree: [job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies