@theshamingofjay: My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie
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@Mr_Kapowski: "Don't tell me how to raise my cat!," I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth
@noog: People act like weed is the worst thing for short-term memory. Go drink 15 beers and see if you can remember your name or how legs work.
@jngraphs: *Tweets funniest tweet ever *Dies laughing *Over 6 billion die laughing *Germany and Russia survive *Coz nobody left to explain the joke
@Book_Krazy: Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can't part with them Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted? Me: Um no, just holding hands