My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.