Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My blood type is b hungry.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.