Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.