He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
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4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked