@drunktweets81: My chair at work is really uncomfortable. I wonder if a stool softener will work.
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@Playing_Dad: [Rappers job interview] Boss: What is your biggest weakness? Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can't speak. I'm a geek. Birds have feathers.
@MatCro: ME: I'm off to that meeting BOSS: Forget something? M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead] B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
@HousewifeOfHell: I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.