My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?