My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
man: wait
time: no
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
This is a true ally.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People: