[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups