My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
marvel comics have peaked
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
i love meeting boys on tinder
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Gods work.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.