My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
They grow up so quick
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.