My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Gemma Correll
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
it be like that
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?