My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Care for your back
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what