My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.