@KentWGraham: My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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@ieatanddrink: "I deleted that tweet because I've really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it's just not up to my current standards"
@JB4Realz: HER: I'm leaving! ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes? *she just turns & walks away* (crunch) (crunch) (crunch) (crunch)
@mikescollins: Just convinced my Mom she won't get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn't see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
@RoosterMustache: WIFE: omg the FBI ME: thats just female body inspectors W: why are they here M: probably all those female bodies we buried W: o yah lol