@KentWGraham: My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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@rpbateman: This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote "sexy" on all of his wife's friends' pics.
@SarcasticAlly12: Dr: do you know why you gained weight? *Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele* Me: no, better run some tests
@dubstep4dads: "Interested in mail enhancement?" Me: u mean 'male' enhancement "No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro"
@RexHuppke: Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword