My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think