My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
A new level of troll.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really