My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me recordaron éste meme
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.