My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Every house has this drawer
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.