My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”