Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You Might Also Like
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
A new level of troll.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*