@burntmybagel: My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."
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@thepunningman: Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi
@Smug_Lemur: A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I'm going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
@AbbyHasIssues: I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
@SamuelHLowe: - 911, what's your emergency? - My nephew just swallowed a lighter! - What's your address? - Never mind, I found some matches.