@burntmybagel: My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheReal_AndyMac: Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N' Slide. So you do the math.
@LuvPug: In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys. I was known as "Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?"
@bobvulfov: [after an accident on the ski slope] ME: did i nail the triple backflip PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift