I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
You Might Also Like
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.