If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
😲 WTF? 😆
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses