I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
The French cow says MEUX…
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Hero horse inspires millions
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
This probably isn’t good
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]