@Donna_McCoy: My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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@caseytduncan: If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.
@illiter8too: SALESWOMAN: (looking alarmed) Well, yes, I guess, technically the dress fits. ME: (limbs and face turning purple) Can you believe this? I’ve never been a size zero!
@Miciura: Honesty is the best policy, unless you're trying to return something that you've already worn.
@JohnLyonTweets: Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.