@Donna_McCoy: My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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@SatansTongue: Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous "Obamanible snowman...?" *obama walks in* Everything okay joe? *nervously* "Uh yeah just fine"
@stephenjmolloy: Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip. Me: What are you doing? Barber: I've lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip. Me: I can see you in the mirror.
@geowizzacist: (3am, my kid wakes up) Me: *Pretends to be asleep* My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep* Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep* My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
@DanRegans: I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying