my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.