My circle of trust is a meatball
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
listen closely
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato