*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My teenage children choosing violence
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO