mariah carrie
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.