My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.