@OFalafel: Man on train saying he's in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

@XAIMMadellynne: I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return. What a stressful day!

@Discourt: As an adult, I'm most afraid when my children's toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms....

@cray_at_home_ma: And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.

@birbigs: Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.