ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
we all know this pain all too well
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one