@DiamondLou69: My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
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@Lovestained555: My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
@upsidedowntrash: me:[drinking from a human skull] him: is that full of blood? me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
@EndhooS: Yelling "PARKOUR" whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot
@errdayhustlah: Whenever people say "don't judge me" I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear. *whispers* Judged you.