My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
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watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: