Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
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Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.