@SortaBad: My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
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@randomnloveit: If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
@CarpentersCrack: Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing.... A woman.
@euanDroberts: And the Lord said to Peter "come forth and you will receive eternal life". But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
@DeanB15: I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.