@SortaBad: My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
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@TheBoydP: My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend's house for the evening like she didn't see me get in the pool.
@jessokfine: When someone says "women like you" to me, I assume they're referring to extremely powerful wizards.
@juliussharpe: Meet your girlfriend's brother then realize you're screwing the female version of a guy.
@adult_keverage: Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.