@SortaBad: My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
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@iscoff: Sometimes if you say "Wow, you're tall!" to a tall person they realize they're tall for the first time and thank you with cash
@1_swarthy_dude: Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby* Her:"WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!" Me:"Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio."
@KalvinMacleod: My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.