My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly