@causticbob: My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
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@BriarSlyMadness: If you're ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans... ...don't worry about it. They're too weak to hurt you.
@TraylorParker: Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON! Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk? Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we're walking home.
@EricGoldie: Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a beech tree and some nails."
@kwirkyKerri: Even the coffee is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Wait...am I being poisoned? *drinks it anyway*