My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”