“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send